Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
