Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
