Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
