my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
