margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
