Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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