you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
