maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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