Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
