I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
