Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
