you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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