He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
