Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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