unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
