I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
