Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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