new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He better not be in your backpack
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
