Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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