Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
