Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
