I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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