i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
vagina is talking i cant
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
