it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
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Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
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I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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