You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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