goodnight i made you a song goodbye
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist