When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
