Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
