Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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