Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
