My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
