Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
