the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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