I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
