I will die if light touches me.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
