Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize