her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
