I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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