i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
