Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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