Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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