even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
