I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Randomize
