i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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