i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
