Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
