The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
