Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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