I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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