every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize
