Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
