you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
