he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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