My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
