so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
