There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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